2008.08.13 : Non-Stop Fun! (Pt 3!)
Indispensable Onion
One of the strange things about living in the UK is that nobody seems to be familiar with The Onion. I'm not sure how anyone gets through the workday without it. But the really funny thing is that when, aghast, I learn that a colleague hasn't read The Onion, and I send off a sample or two of my favourites, sometimes he or she doesn't get the joke – and instead believes that it's in earnest. This is surreal. It's also probably a tribute to the quality of the satire.
In any case, here are a few of my all-time personal favourite indispensable Onion articles, which I'm generally aghast if people haven't read. May they speed your work day.
NASA, NASCAR Merge
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL–In an effort to generate excitement and public support for America's struggling space program, NASA announced Monday that it will join the wildly popular NASCAR racing circuit.The NASACAR Space Shuttle made its debut Sunday at the Slick 50 300 at the Talladega Speedway in Talladega, FL. Despite averaging 2,300 mph, the shuttle finished dead last in its inaugural race, largely due to a mid-race pit stop that took nearly two days.
The shuttle encountered further problems in lap 271, when its massive first-stage solid fuel rocket boosters jettisoned into the Talladega Speedway grandstand, killing more than 1,500 spectators.
God Finally Gives Shout-Out Back To All His Niggaz
SOUTH BRONX, NY–The Lord Almighty finally responded to nearly two decades of praise in hip-hop album liner notes Monday, when He gave a shout-out back to all His loyal niggaz."Right about now, I want to send a shout-out to each and every nigga who's shown Me love through the years," said the Lord, His booming voice descending from Heaven. "I got mad love for each and every one of you niggaz. Y'all was there for me, and it's about time I'm-a give some love back to God's true crew."
"All y'all niggaz, y'all be My niggaz," the Lord added.
Mother Teresa Sent To Hell In Wacky Afterlife Mix-Up
CALCUTTA–In what is widely believed to be the result of clerical error, The Calcutta Daily-Telegram reported Monday that beloved missionary caregiver Mother Teresa was condemned to agonizing, eternal torment in Hell following her death last Friday at the age of 87."We can only assume that some sort of mix-up occurred in the processing phase," said St. Peter. "Unfortunately, when you deal with over 70 million souls a day, these kinds of mistakes happen. What can I say? I don't know what else to tell you."
Mother Teresa, who for decades inspired the world with her selfless devotion to the starving, disease-ridden masses of Calcutta, was unavailable for comment, as she was being lowered upside-down into a vat of boiling human excrement by a trio of pitchfork-wielding demons.
Ask A Navy SEAL
Dear Navy SEAL,My boyfriend was laid off from his job a few weeks back. Ever since cashing his severance check, all he does is sit around and watch TV while I work to support us both. How do I get him out of the house and looking for work?
–Peeved In Palmyra
Dear Peeved,
Killing silently is a tall order, but a quick look at an anatomy chart will show that the larynx is an easy enough target – grasp his hair close to the scalp and yank his head back while using your Ka-Bar combat knife to make a lateral cut across his throat. Make sure you sever both the carotid artery and jugular vein while piercing the windpipe, and press hard; the larynx is a tough, rubbery piece of tissue.
Five Or Six Dudes Jump Out Of Nowhere And Just Start Whaling On This One Guy
BOULDER, CO–Shock and disbelief were the prevailing reactions Monday, when pizza-delivery guy Lyle Kelso, 24, reported to roommates that at around 2 or 3 a.m., he personally witnessed, like, five or six dudes suddenly jump out of freakin' nowhere and just start totally whaling on this one guy.After several minutes of some seriously painful ass-kicking, the big, mean-looking dudes reportedly hopped back inside the van and bolted as suddenly as they'd appeared.
Though the identity of the whaled-upon dude remains unknown, numerous theories exist regarding who the fuck he was.
Post links to your all-time fave Onion articles in the Comments Section . . .
